


Why You Shouldn't Fall Asleep During Important Meetings: A Short Memoir by Peter Parker

by meshkol (ashernorton)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Dirty Talk, Doctor Dad, Iron Dad, M/M, Supreme Family, but nothing explicit, peter shouldn't have fallen asleep in an avengers meeting, tony and stephen are thirsty as fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 19:15:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14858660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashernorton/pseuds/meshkol
Summary: Peter didn't mean to fall asleep and get trapped in a private room with his dads, but he totally did and now his dads are getting weird.Ned and MJ aren't helping matters.





	Why You Shouldn't Fall Asleep During Important Meetings: A Short Memoir by Peter Parker

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GoldenMoon_42](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenMoon_42/gifts).



> So this happened. I was in the middle of writing a totally different fic for these two idiots and suddenly this happened? So yeah.
> 
> Credit to [IronFey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenMoon_42/works) and [starkstruckus](https://starkstruckus.tumblr.com/) for the brilliant prompt in the discord. I about died reading it, so I hope you like what my weird brain came up with in response.
> 
> [Translated by Kuro into Vietnamese here.](https://www.wattpad.com/585780561-ironstrange-transfiction-why-you-shouldn%27t-fall)

For someone with enhanced abilities, Peter knows that he’s not the most observant sometimes.

In his defence, he’s only sixteen and has only been enhanced for not even two years yet, so it’s not like he’s really lived long enough to develop that situational awareness adults seem to just inherently develop.  It’s a Grown-Up Thing, and Peter figures that he’ll develop it a lot faster than anyone in his peer group due to his Spidey Sense, as Ned likes to call it.

Still, Peter _wishes_ he had it in spades right about now.

The Avengers had had their weekly meeting – a tedious, boring event to update the others on various threats they’re all tracking, tech or magic they’re developing, or bureaucratic nonsense in regards to the Accords and/or the U.N. – and, as per usual, Peter had checked out about four-point-two seconds after the super cool stuff (namely the threats, both international and across the universe) had been talked about.  Peter’s smart, but he doesn’t have the head for bureaucracy or advanced diplomacy, so he usually dozes off from his upside-down position on the ceiling once Maria starts on her spiel.  No one’s ever bothered by it, because Tony is of the opinion that Peter can start dealing with that stuff once he’s a legal adult, and _no one_ argues with Iron Dad.

So anyway, Peter’s quietly dozing when he distantly hears the word ‘Dying’ and snaps to attention, because that’s a word that he knows to pay attention to.

He glances around the room and notices that the meeting room is empty except for Tony and Stephen, who Peter thinks is the coolest person – besides Tony of course – in the world.  Stephen is in his usual chair, on the direct right of the head of the table (because Tony Stark is the Head Dude In Charge, thank you very much), and Tony is perched on the edge of the table directly in front of him.  They’re close, Tony leaning down and Stephen’s chin lifted, and Stephen’s hands are on Tony’s thighs.  They’re both smiling at each other, though Tony’s is an outright grin, and Peter can count on one hand how many times he’s seen Stephen Strange smile.  It’s an intimate moment, and while Peter is obviously aware that the two of them are in some kind of weird relationship, it’s the first time that Peter’s actually seen any evidence of it with his own eyes.  The two of them are private people, especially after the war with Thanos, and they keep their relationship away from prying eyes, opting to be friendly but appropriate in front of other people.

All visual cues are taken in and dissected within a split second; then the auditory bits start coming in, and suddenly Peter is _mortified_.

He can’t help but hear every word and breath that Tony and Stephen let out, due to his heightened senses, and his wide eyes search for any and all exits.  He’s dismayed when he registers that all the doors are shut and there is literally no way out without alerting the two men that he’s unfortunately eavesdropping on their _totally private conversation_ , and what horrible thing did he do in a past life to deserve this?

“You certainly don’t have to die to get me out of my pants,” Tony says with a leer, moving his knees from side-to-side while Stephen’s grip tightens to stay attached.

Stephen rolls his eyes, though his smile is still fond, and drawls, “I said that I’d die if I didn’t get out of here.”

“Exactly,” Tony quips, eyes bright with amusement and his grin deepening the grooves around his eyes and cheeks.  “You don’t have to die to take me to bed, Sabrina.”

Peter very slowly takes his mobile out of his trouser pocket, taking extra care to not drop it as he unlocks it and opens up his text messages.  Thankfully, the rustling is masked when Stephen sighs and drones, “Did you just compare me to the teenaged witch?  The _female_ teenaged witch?”

Peter clicks on the first one because his eyes see ‘Ned’ in the recipient line (and Ned always knows what to do) and types as quietly as he can manage:

 

 

 

> **P: Hey so I’m in a tight spot right now...i got stuck in a room with mom and dad and they’re flirting with each other. I don’t think they know I’m here and I don’t know how to get out**

 

As he waits for the response, he can’t help but hear Tony reply, “Eh, it starts with an ‘S’ so I’m sticking with it.  And don’t look at me with those judgmental blue eyes of yours – I’m hard as a rock and incapable of higher brain function at the moment, so you can’t blame me for not being on my A-game.”

Lucky, Peter doesn’t have much time to be horrified because Ned finally texts back, and _God_ is he thankful for even the most minute distraction:

 

 

 

> **N: dude, just leave???**
> 
> **P: The doors are closed and they’ll see me!**
> 
> **N: well if they’re busy getting BIZAYYYY then they might not see u open a door just go for it**
> 
> **P: NED MY DAD IS A LITERAL SUPERHERO AND MY OTHER DAD IS A SORCERER THEY WILL ABSOLUTELY SEE AND HEAR ME HELP ME GET OUT OF THIS OR SO HELP ME GOD YOU WILL NO LONGER BE MY CHAIR GUY**
> 
> **N: woah ok give me a sec to think of a plan then pls don’t take away my chair**

 

“Hard, are you?” replies Stephen in a low rumble, standing up and pressing himself in between Tony’s legs.  Peter stares in fascinated horror as Tony sits more firmly on the edge of the sturdy table so he can wrap his legs around Stephen’s own, pulling them together.  Stephen hums in the back of his throat, smirking now, and lets his palms drag and massage Tony’s denim-covered thighs.

“Obviously,” Tony replies, and his voice is a little thin.  There’s a flush starting to creep up on his cheekbones and the smile has all but disappeared from his face; in exchange, Peter can see that his face is slack, mouth slightly open, and his fingers are threading through Stephen’s thick hair almost absently.  “I know you can feel it,” Tony teases, and Stephen’s answering groan is obscene.  Peter cringes and wishes yet again that he was literally anywhere but here.  Hell, he’d even take on Thanos again just to escape this conversation, because at this rate Peter’s going to have a coronary at the tender age of sixteen and he’s not at all okay with that.

He totally doesn’t want to hear his faux-dads talking dirty to each other, but he _definitely_ doesn’t want it to go _further_.  Which, considering how close Tony and Stephen are, might actually _happen_ (and everyone knows that Tony Stark’s not exactly known for his self-control).  Peter doesn’t know what is worse: the idea of them starting to make out (or worse) while he’s in the room or interrupting them to run out of the room screaming.

Then his phone lights up again and he’s even more horrified when it’s not from Ned at all, which means he sent those texts through a _freakin’ group chat_ :

 

 

 

> **M: well i’d say ‘shoot a web at them’ but that’s a little too kinky even for me...still tho, it’d be funny as hell**
> 
> **P: STOP**
> 
> **N: oh my god LOL**

 

“Christ, you are,” Stephen breathes, and Peter adamantly refuses to look towards the two of them in case he’s scarred for life.  “Look at you, all flushed and bothered.  I bet I could just use a bit of magic to take off your clothes—”   _Oh God no, please no_ , Peter all but shrieks in his head, his face burning with embarrassment.  “—and make a copy of myself so I could fuck you right here while you suck me down from the other end, while extra hands stroke every inch of your skin.”  Peter wants to light himself on fire because he can _hear_ Tony’s hips moving in small circles against Stephen’s lower stomach and _hear_ Stephen’s breath catch on the last word, and frantically he texts again:

 

 

 

> **P: You HAVE to help me!!!  They’re talking dirty now and it’s weird dirty talk and I am going to DIE if clothes start coming off.  HELP ME!!!!!!!**
> 
> **M: lol take a video cuz that’s hot**
> 
> **P: OH MY GOD NO MJ WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!**
> 
> **N: imagine the blackmail material tho dude...like if they try to bench u from an avengers mission u could just whip the video out and say *lulz no can do dads***
> 
> **P: You’re both horrible and I hate you.**
> 
> **M: well if you’re not going to take a video at least tell me what they’re saying i mean lol what do you mean ‘weird dirty talk’???**
> 
> **P: Like clones and extra arms and omg WHY IS THIS MY LIFE?!**

 

“Oh my God, _please_ Stephen, _please_ ,” Tony all but whines, and when Peter’s sharp hearing hears frantic grabbing at clothes and the clink of a belt buckle being unlatched, he finally lets out the smallest whimper, totally embarrassed and bright red with humiliation.

The air freezes, and after a long moment where everyone holds their breath in surprise, Tony says in a shaky, quiet voice, “Peter, have you been up there this entire time?”

Peter quakes, eyes clenched shut, and he can’t answer because his vocal chords are being crushed by the epicness of his distress.  He distantly hears his phone crack due to the force of his grip and wonders if he’s broken it, but he can’t open his eyes to check because he’s afraid to meet the eyes of his dads.

“Peter, are you alright?” he hears Stephen ask.

Tony mutters immediately after, “Oh hell, he’s finally cracked.  I’ve actually _broken_ him, Stephen.”

“I’m fine!” Peter finally squeaks, because despite his mortification, he can’t bear the thought of his Iron Dad thinking something like that, not while he’s finally in a good place with a boyfriend and good team and friends to go around.  He falls down to the ground in a light somersault and blindly lurches for the doorway, saying in the same high-pitched voice, “I think I need brain bleach but it’s totally fine!  Shouldn’t have fallen asleep during a super-important meeting and _boy_ have I learnt that lesson!  I’ll just leave you two to your magical parent sex and get out of your hair!  _Okaybyedadsmakegoodchoices!_ ”

The last thing he hears before he slams the door behind him is Stephen saying incredulously, “Did he just call me ‘Dad’?”

“Join the club, Sabrina,” Tony deadpans, tone still shaky but full of humour.  “Join the fucking club.”

Peter can’t help but laugh as he flees.


End file.
